TWO JOKES (17 december 2003)
Paul sent me the following joke:
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control." George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."And this one came from Peter:
An old one, but might still cause a smile ....
Jack was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is that I can cure your headaches ... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles." Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . size 44 long." Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Jack tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Jack admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Jack thought for a moment then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jack, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck." Jack was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Jack tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?" Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jack's feet, and said, "Let's see . 9 1/2 E." Jack was astonished, "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?" Jack thought for a second, and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Jack laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a headache ......"
